I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
