How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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