just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
