if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
