At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
