I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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