I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
