Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
