Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
