dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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