im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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