He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
