I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
