Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
