shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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