My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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