Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
