You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
