You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
