so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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