I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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