I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
