Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
