i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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