Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
