if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
