I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
