I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
