Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
