i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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