We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
