I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
