She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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