just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sober January is a disaster.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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