had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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