mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
