she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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