Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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