I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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