I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
