Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
