i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
