i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
