Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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