Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
