I smell stomach acid.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
