Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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