I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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