Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
