You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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